Tuesday, December 16, 2014

The Sugar Theory

MY Sugar Theory. Time tested, and even peer reviewed, the theory holds true.

You see, for the past 8 and change years, I've had jobs that require driving, and lots of it. Mostly in the Tri State region of PA/NJ/DE, Connecticut, New York, but also within random states at random times all around Americana.

And I enjoy my coffee.

Dunkin', Starbucks, McDonald's. The triple entente of a lonely traveler's brain fuel, in the form of that oh so essential streaming hot black liquid. And I like mine BLACK.

At the same time, I get to see the good, the bad, and the ugly of the American Experiment every day. And one doesn't necessarily need to be a Harvard sociologist to determine what constitutes good, bad, and ugly.

There are not so subtle signs of extreme affluence in the posh gated cul-de-sacs of Greenwich just as much as there are, if I may quote Dave Chapelle, "all the symptoms of the ghetto" in Newhallville New Haven.

And here's where my coffee/sociology connect.

If you want to get the most accurately scientific gauge on what type of area you're in, look no further than the Sugar Theory.

To test, simply pull up to a Dunkin' drive through, and request a medium BLACK coffee.

If the next and last response from the order taker is simply a quick "$1.06, drive up," and you get exactly what you want, then you are in Suburbia.

But if you ask for black, and you get nothing but confusion, or even shock, or even simply feedback like, "Wait so you want a coffee with no sugar OR cream right," well then my friend, you are in the hood.

And there are levels too.

For if all you get is that question for clarification, you might just be in a transitioning blue-collar, slightly-seedy area.

If you get shock, surprise, and disbelief at even the thought of requesting a coffee without even AT LEAST one sugar packet, you are in a straight up Tier 1 boarded up ghetto.

And if you get shock, surprise, and disbelief at your request for black, then clarify more than once before driving up, then drive off and take your first sip and nearly slip into diabetic shock because there must be 7 sugars and 4 creams in it, you are probably in the South End of Hartford.

Like I was, when I finally was inspired to pen this very entry about my trusty Sugar Theory.

See for yourself.